Time for Self-Forgiveness

adventureOur trip to Colorado is on the horizon.  Next week, Todd and I will make our way to Colorado for something that I’ve only dreamed of.  I never thought it would happen, but here it is.  We are going to pick up my youngest son, Ben.  For those of you who have been reading my blog frequently, you know that the topic of Ben is a sensitive one.  For those of you who are new to my blog, be sure to check out my article, “Let Go and Forgive,” to understand why I’m writing this.

Emotionally I am feeling excitement mixed in with nervousness and apprehension.  Nervous because I’ve seen this reunion in my head so many times, and now, faced with it, I can only hope it goes as well as the one played out in my imagination.  Apprehensive because I don’t know how it will all turn out.

However, none of these reservations will stop me from going.  It’s a new chapter in my life, and I’m fully committed to building a healthy relationship with my son.  It needs to happen.  For him and for me.  I know it will complete the jigsaw puzzle in my life, and I hope it will help Ben make sense of so many things in his.

Over the past few months we’ve (Ben and I) chatted via phone and video frequently.  At first the conversations were awkward, and both of us were a little hesitant.  But as time has passed, we’ve become comfortable with one another (at least I have), and I believe that this is the foundation that will springboard our future relationship with one another.

My son, Carl, and daughter, Kit, are ecstatic about Ben coming to Texas to live with us.  I think it’s something that both have wanted for a long time as well (yes, they have known about Ben since they were little).  Honestly, I think all three of them need each other.  There is something about having a sibling that brings a sense of comfort and completion (at least that is what I always wanted).  These three need each other in their lives.

Todd has a bit of hesitancy, and it’s something that I totally get and totally understand, but I do have faith that he and Ben will come to love one another as well.  I mean how could they not.  Todd is an amazing father, and I believe this is something that Ben desperately needs in his life; a man who is honorable and tough, yet kind and compassionate.

As a bonus, I’ll get to meet my granddaughter, Lilly, while I’m there.  This is something that I’m super excited about.  Lilly’s mom and I have also been chatting via messenger.  She is quite the young woman and I can see why Ben fell for her.  Having another grandchild is a blessing, and I plan to be a part of her life, as well as her mother’s and brother’s lives.

I’m sure that next week will be a rollercoaster of emotions, but it’s something that I need to happen.  It’s something that will allow me to finally forgive myself for the things that I did wrong when I was young.  Not even wrong, just a bad decision – a mistake.  I can put that past behind me, and move forward in my life with ALL of my kids and my husband.  Wish me luck!


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